i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
