I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
