I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
