Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
no, he came in my armpit
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
