I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
