it's too hot outside to masturbate.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize