You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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