I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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