yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
