Kiss
Puke
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You can't just leave with hair like that
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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