please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She even gives head with a lisp.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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