Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
