So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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