these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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