hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
