theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I checked into jail on foursquare
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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