i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
