His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
