Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
