So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
