Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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