so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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