The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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