Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
