Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
