final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
