last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
