A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize