Already got asked if we're dating
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Fuck appropriateness.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
