from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
