I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
