Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
