On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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