if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
