my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
