instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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