Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
