The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
