I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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