I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
