Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
