We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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