Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
