I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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