When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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