ya dads aren't the best wingmen
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
