This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
