somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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