Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
