Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize