So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
