i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
