If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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