If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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