He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
