Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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