oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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