Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
