thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
