When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
