i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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